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I
was born in the Caribbean and joined my parents in England in
July 1970. I am the eldest of six children. Age 4 or 5 years,
I was left in the Caribbean, in the care of maternal grandparents
whom I called "Mother" and "Daddy." I remember clearly the love
and affection my grandparents showed me. Home was always lively
with a happy atmosphere, despite strict discipline and good manners
being a huge priority in my learning, development and nurturing.
This experience has undoubtedly made me the stable and conscientious
adult that I am today. After 9 years of separation, my sister,
brother and I rejoined our parents in England. Despite regular
contact via letters and photographs, I struggled to recognise
my mother and father as "my parents."
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My
father died 8 years ago. He was strict. His word was the law.
No negotiation or compromise was permitted.
Separation
issues were seldom discussed in my parents' home, but I understand
and even accept their decision to leave my siblings and me in
the Caribbean. But, it has had a profound impact on my ability
to form lasting relationships.
As
an adult I have found it difficult to sustain relationship with
men. I feel strongly that this is a result of the childhood separation
and loss I experienced. I am fearful of having to deal with loss
or rejection in a relationship. For example, if someone is getting
too close or if I am becoming too attached, I tend to distance
myself or withdraw from the relationship. I do not like others
being dependent upon me, and enjoy my own space.
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| Upon
arrival in England I discovered a much younger brother and sister
for whom my other sister and I provided childcare after school.
I left home at 19 and moved a long way from home and still do not
live close to my mother. I do not feel emotionally close to her.
Our relationship is quite strained at times. We do not seem to understand
each another. She remains critical of me and seems unable to acknowledge
my achievements. |
I
can honestly reflect on my childhood experience as being very fulfilling
and rewarding, despite my separation, reunion and loss. This experience
has undoubtedly made me a very strong, determined, sensible and
stable person in life's journey and I continue to grow and develop
life's skills and experiences all the time. That is my story, what's
yours?
(Name & address supplied) |
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Leaving
behind my mother and grandmother, I arrived in England from the
Caribbean in my teens, in 1962 to live with my father and his
new wife. The separation from my primary caregivers and vibrant
Caribbean culture, where my extended family and neighbours all
participated as primary caregivers, and arrival into a British
environment deprived me of the secure attachments which had supported
me and upon which I depended, even as a teenager.
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However,
I gave the appearance of making the best of my situation by 'going
through the motions' of daily life. When I met and fell in love
with my husband I believed that these feelings would disappear,
but with the onset of problems in the relationship these emotions
resurfaced. Without my extended family's support, I felt empty
and isolated. At this time, my husband was also experiencing similar
feelings, having left his family in the Caribbean in his teens
in order to join the Air Force.
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| Unsure
of my new relationships and environment, I became so unhappy that
I stopped laughing. Initially, I cried and complained often. My
father in particular grew impatient with me. I then experienced
feelings of anxiety and despair; grieving and mourning the loss
of close family ties and support left abroad. Unsupported by 'parents'
too busy to listen to me, I became distrustful of them and others
and resentful towards my mother, who seemed unable or unwilling
to listen or relate to my experience. Matters were complicated by
her perception that I was labelling her a 'bad mother.' |
Three
years ago, whilst undertaking a counselling course, I was introduced
to the 'Separation and Attachment Theory.' It clarified my understanding
of my childhood experiences, the trauma that separation and lost
attachments had on my personal life, and heightened my self-awareness,
helping me to explore various issues in therapy and facilitated
my mourning. I benefited from the self-examination, felt encouraged,
empowered, loved and cared for. My mother and I have since resolved
our differences. The therapeutic benefit and life enhancement resulting
from the exploration of these issues cannot be overstated. (Name
& address supplied) |
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